If You Are Hurting you Should be Healing, Not Dating

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If you are hurting you should be healing, not dating.

I read this quote on Instagram and it pulled me in because people I know; personally and professionally have been there or are there as we speak.  They hurt, they don't understand what's happening to them or why, they don't know how to communicate this hurt; to themselves or those involved so they react; they sleep with other people, they pretend they feel nothing, they try hard to "move on", sometimes they can be mean, cruel and appear uncaring to those they truly love.  The only outcome of all of this is that everyone ends up hurting more.  So why, if you are hurting, should you be healing, not dating and what do you need to do to heal?

Is this you?

I know two people who were very much in love.  She was in a relationship and he wasn't.  They didn't mean to fall in love, it happened so suddenly that it took them both by surprise.

Leaving was too scary.

What if it didn't work out or wasn't worth it?

Will everyone judge her?

What if people hated her?

How could she live with herself hurting her partner like that?

What if she lost both of them and ended up alone?

So she said 'No' even though she really meant 'Yes'.  Where did that leave him?

He wanted to hurt her.

He wanted to move on.

He wanted to be with her more than anything.

He wasn't really sure what he wanted.

So he slept around, he even started dating. She put on her mask of "everything's great" thinking she could get over it; she was determined to fake it until she made it.

It didn't work out, for either of them.  Each time she found about another one of his conquests her heart broke.  Every moment she stayed in a relationship in which she was unhappy she crumbled in misery, guilt and self-loathing.  Every time he saw her playing "happy couples" with her partner he was overwhelmed with heartache.  Whenever he slept with someone who meant nothing to him hoping to fill that void within he felt more empty.  The girls he slept with got hurt as they developed feelings that were never reciprocated in its entirety.   When your choices and behaviours are reactive (unconsciously) instead of proactive (consciously) it is inevitable that someone is bound to get hurt.

Perhaps this was you?  Was something missing from your relationship and so you jumped into dating hoping to find what you are looking for.  Perhaps you are also in love with someone you can't be with because it's complicated?  Are you too being reactive; sleeping with other people, trying to move on, maybe even trying to hurt them or get their attention?  Notice the pattern here?  In all of these scenarios something is missing, there is a pattern of lack and scarcity playing out in your mind and manifesting in your life and your relationships.

Sometimes love doesn’t conquer all, sometimes fear conquers all

Although the story I mentioned seems black and white; this isn't as simple as them having the balls to be together.  If you haven't done the work sometimes love doesn't conquer all, sometimes fear conquers all.  See if they both had done the work on themselves FIRST they would be able to easily combat the fear that is stopping them from following their bliss.

Perhaps if they had been proactive about being clear about exactly what they wanted in a loving relationship they could've saved themselves and others a lot of pain.

Maybe if they were already whole as individuals they might not have even subconsciously been seeking each other out?

Who knows?  Regret is just another variation of pain…'what if' keeping us stuck in the past, replaying what we did vs what we should have done.  Everything happens for us, not to us and try and learn and grow from our experiences.

What I can say is that when you are fully awake in your all your choices, actions, thoughts and behaviour's the path is a lot less destructive, complicated and painful and a lot more peaceful, joyful and easy.

The pain you feel is something missing in your own life; a sense of purpose, a connection to your 'true self', a lack of joy and/or fulfilment.  You have bound down a difficult path if you think you can fill that emptiness with the attention and affection of others

Why is this Harmful?

If you are using others hearts, minds, bodies and emotions to heal yourself you aren’t just going to hurt them you are going to hurt yourself more and by doing so “we can end up making that emotional scar tissue we are trying to break down that much thicker” (Richie Hardcore).

Let's boot the old thoughts that you need someone to be happy, feel whole or feel complete out the door.  The solution to your problems does not lie in the bedroom or at the mercy of someone else (i.e. a relationship will not fix your problems).  Dating and/or sex will feel good for a small moment but leave you feeling worse in the long run.  It will afford you with temporary release from your pain but will, for the most part, deplete your time and energy. It feels great for a few moments, but the price you pay is a much higher level of mediocrity in your daily life.

You will settle for doing enough to get by, to be comfortable and to stay safe; you will pave the road to living a good life, but not a great life.

Why aim for mediocre?

Why not focus your attention, energy and time towards not only being at peace with who you are but also being purposeful about what you want and why.  Seeking that person that ticks ALL the boxes and challenges you to be your highest self rather than just settling with what is available or with someone who just straight challenges you.

We can end up making that emotional scar tissue we are trying to break down that much thicker
— Richie Hardcore

The answer lies internally not externally

Where in your life are you living from a place of fear and hurt and anger and sadness?

How are you hurting and who are you potentially hurting by your actions?

Stop thinking about what you don't want and start thinking about what you do want?

Have you ever asked yourself these questions?  If not I urge you to grab your drink of choice, copy them into your journal or your notes on your phone and ask them of yourself, see what comes up.

questions to ask yourself...

How would it feel if;

  • You went into a relationship whole?
  • Were able to be totally yourself with the person you choose to share your life with?
  • Had someone love all parts of you; the light and the dark?
  • Were not hiding behind what you think they want or what you think you should do?
  • You were with someone just because it feels good?
  • You weren’t seeking a partner to make you happy and whole but were seeking someone simply to share your happiness and wholeness with and to co-create an amazing life?
  • You weren't in a relationship to fix what is missing or wrong in your life?
  • You were non-negotiable about all the things that were truly of importance to you and didn't settle when it came to love?
  • You were with your ideal partner rather than just seeking temporary relief from your internal pain?
  • If you treated dating with the hopes of finding the one rather than just the one right now, with serious and purposeful endeavour?

How visualisation can help you find what you're looking for

How often do you take the time to think about exactly what you do want rather than what you don't want.  How often are you specific about what you seek rather than wandering aimlessly hoping to chance upon it?  Visualisation is a key component to attracting what you want into your life on purpose.

Vision boards are great for them to work you can't just think of what you want but why! Here are a few tips to help you successfully visualise and manifest your ideal relationship;

  1. Ask what - what do you want
    • What do you actually want from a life partner/soul mate?
    • What experiences have you had in prior relationships do you want to keep and what do you want to avoid again?
  2. Visualise what that looks like AND how you will feel when you get it e.g.
    • It will feel so amazing to be with the partner of my dreams
    • It is empowering to be with someone who helps me hold the vision of my highest self
  3. Make sure what you are asking for is coming from a place of love and fullness
    • No - I want to be with someone who does housework because my partner is lazy and it is frustrating
    • Yes - I want to be with someone who does housework because it is fun to work as a team and I love that someone values my time
  4. Trust that it will come
    • No - When is this going to happen?
    • Yes - I can't wait for this to happen

Go inward and get into that happy place of knowingness before you take action.  Come into a relationship as two whole happy individuals co-creating a loving life in harmony rather than trying to fix something or giving someone else responsibility for your happiness.

To have that relationship you desire you must dedicate yourself to the magnification of love not just for others but for yourself.  You deserve the best. Don't settle for less than the total surrender of their heart and your own.  Don't be scared to lose people; if it is meant to be it will not pass you by.  Remember that being alone does not mean loneliness and to feel whole, complete and fulfilled within your relationship you must first find it within yourself.

Being alone does not mean you’re lonely

Once you've had a chance to read, I'd love to know:

How hurting and dating has affected your relationship with yourself and others?

Leave a comment below and let me know. Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply.  I want to create a space where people can come here each week for insight and inspiration, and your story may help someone else have a meaningful breakthrough.